Everyone Else is Comfortable but I'm a Little Chilly - What I Would Title My Book

Sometimes I just want to sit down and write a book about what the heck it is like to navigate your 20s  having recovered from anorexia and while managing anxiety.

It's like you have a plan until you stop being able to function like a human, you ditch the plan and get help, you start to think you are able to handle having a plan again, you make a plan, and then the real world hits and you try desperately to keep hold of said plan while keeping your head above water.

Everyday I am so proud of myself for having come this far, for being able to even think about moving out on my own, for being able to not only function at a basic level, but to succeed and start looking at the future. However, at the same time, I struggle like a lot of twenty somethings with knowing what it is I want to do with my life, where I see myself in 5, 10, even 15 years, how to get to into the career I only think I want because I haven't actually had any experience in, or even how to navigate the simple grown up things like taxes and budgeting.

REMIX!

I stumbled on this draft almost exactly one year after I started writing it and *spoiler alert* only some things have changed.

2017 was a year of intense learning curves. My boyfriend and I went to Europe, celebrated one year together, bought and renovated a house, subsequently moved to a town where neither of us have family, and got a puppy.
There, I've done it. I successfully moved out on my own without any catastrophic implications.

We made a budget, have an accountant to file our taxes, manage a household and a puppy, and are still best friends. In fact, sometimes it is like he is my only friend. It as been very difficult to maintain friendships while juggling a full time time, an hour commute, and living an hour away but thankfully I have the most amazing friends who bend over backwards to come visit me or make time when i am back home.

Despite all of the changes in my life this past year, so much of how I was feeling back when I originally wrote this piece, is the same. I am still struggling to figure out what it is I want to do as a career, I still struggle with anxiety that at times is all consuming, and I still don't know how to do my own taxes (hence the accountant).

There are times when I look in the mirror and I repeat over and over again, that it's progress not perfection that matters. And to be completely honest, sometimes I just have to fake it till I make it. There are still times when I feel so uncomfortable with my body that I change my clothes 10 times only to put on an outfit that I have worn a thousand times before because it is in my comfort zone. I sat outside of the gym everyday for a week before I gathered the courage to go inside. I am not afraid to admit that I am not in the place I thought I would be at 25 but I am moving at my own pace, moving forward, taking steps for me and that is what counts in my books.

Anxiety and my Bullet Journal

My initial thoughts around bullet journalling were mixed, very mixed. I think I owned my notebook for 2 weeks before I built up the courage to make a mark in it. I researched, made all sorts of lists and just didn't know what to do.

A qualifying statement about me is that I am very particular and I hate making mistakes, even when it comes to something as small as a spelling error in pen. I love writing in blue ink and on particular lined paper and I can't stand using white out. The idea of writing in a dotted grid notebook, with a black pen was already out of my comfort zone, on top of the fact that it was up to me to design what I wanted and what worked for me. But, this was something I was sure I wanted to try.

I'm not often shy when it comes to my anxiety and the ways that it affects my life but I don't always like to admit that it can affect my life in such tiny ways, like writing in a notebook with a pen. The second attempt at beginning my bullet journal went better. I had a plan, an idea of what I wanted and the courage to just get into it, however, I just could't keep up with it. I would start and stop, day after day. I was just so intimidated.

So here we are are in February of 2017 and I am on track. I use my bullet journal (though not as much as I am hoping to), I enjoy creating new spreads and various trackers, I change and adjust according to what I did you didn't like, and I am still nervous to make mistakes. I am in the most of creating a self care tracker in my bullet journal that I will happily share in a flip through of my journal (hint hint).

My take away from this experience is that although I often think I have a good handle on my anxiety, I am still affected and I still need to allow myself the time and space to adjust and overcome. These things take time and I am trying to work through them. Also, that I am not cured just because I don't have panic attacks thinking about the stranger I saw walking, what I think is, too close to the road but I am working towards the healthy management of my anxiety.

If you have any tips, trackers, or things that help you manage your anxiety or maintain positive thoughts/goals/lifestyle elements in your bullet journal or planner, let me know!

Love always,

Lau

Listen to This 1

I have stumbled across some awesome music lately (some of these are not so recent but I have been listening to them on repeat for months, so I thought I'd share them anyways) as well as some of my favourites are FINALLY releasing new tunes, so I figured I would share some of what I have been listening to lately.

Body Like a Backroad - Sam Hunt
Rooting for You - London Grammar
Issues - Julia Michaels
Big Picture - London Grammar
Moving On and Getting Over - John Mayer
Machine - Amber Run
Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur
First Try - JohnnySwim
Changing - John Mayer
Once - Maren Morris

Let me know what you have been loving lately,

Love always,
Lau

My Bullet Journal Journey So Far

Okay so here is my first attempt at explaining bullet journalling and my experience with it so far. I'm going to break it all down into a few posts over the next while and hopefully you find something in the system that works for you or even better, you help me learn more about this awesome (and organized) community.

So what is bullet journalling? Well I describe it as an organizational system that you can customize to fit your needs. It was designed by Ryder Carroll and he as a wonderful video on his website that walks you through the system, step-by-step. The amazing thing about bullet journalling is that you can make it 100% your own. There are core pieces of the system that are important to the overall efficiency and intent of bullet journalling but beyond those, it is whatever you need it to be.

Now, for me, this idea of personalization was somewhat of a beast because I was so afraid of making a mistake but I knew that there was more that I could add to the original system to really make it fit my needs. Do I know what all of those things are? No, no I don't but it's part of the process. I am really learning as I go along.

When I set out on this journey I wasn't sure if I was really going to be able to stick with it or even like it so I didn't want to buy a ton of new things.

So ALL of that being said, here is what I'm thinking...

- a post on the supplies
- a post on the basics and getting started
- a post on my initial thoughts + my hesitations
- a post on some inspiration and where I look for it
- a post on what I use in my own bullet journal
- a post on the different styles/collections/lists/whatever else and things I look for in my journal
- a post on going forward

I am really looking forward to this series and where we as a community can go from here. I have SO much left to learn and I know that the bullet journalling community is so friendly and supportive. Let's all have fun with this (and as a plus, get organized).

Are These Resolutions?

Thank you to Kim Moran for this awesome print!

I don't think that I have ever made New Years Resolutions and stuck to them so this year I am not making resolutions, I am making an effort to do the things I reflected back on from

2016. I mean that is a terrible name for these, but I have no other ideas. Let's dive into the things I will be making an effort to do this year..

1. Try a new workout routine. I get so stuck in a rut when it comes to working out and then end up giving up, so this year I want to try something new, like kick boxing or running.

2. Use my bullet journal consistently. I have always used a paper planner and I will fully admit that I have far too much stationary, however, I have such a hard time using my bullet journal consistently. If you don't know what the concept of bullet journaling is, click here for the link to Ryder Carroll's website. I currently have a series of notebooks that I keep my 'to-do' lists and then my bullet journal keeps my appointments and major tasks. If you have any tips for tricks to help me fully transition from notebook to bullet journal and to use my bullet journal in a more professional setting, please let me know!

3. Blog. I love this space and I love having a positive outlet for my interests, feelings, and ideas. I truly believe that this space is inclusive and positive, a place for people to come when looking for a little more positivity. That being said, I often find my blog at the bottom of my list when I get too busy, so I want to make more of an effort to manage my time and keep this space up-to-date.

4. Make more 'Me' time. I told you that this year was busy and by that I mean I was so busy that I was struggling to find time to do basic things for me. I found it hard to find time to do laundry or even sleep enough during the night. This year, I want to make the effort to schedule my time well, affording me time to do things for myself.

5. Make more of an effort with my friends and family. I know that I have been so wrapped up on my own world this past year that I haven't been the greatest friend or daughter/sister/granddaughter. This year, I want to ensure that I make the most of my time with both my friends and family.

6. Eat more creatively. I am celiac and don't really enjoy eating meat so I tend to get really bored with food. I have so many cookbooks and really want to make the most of them. I enjoy cooking and baking so in 2017, I want to make sure I make an effort to cook myself more meals and look at food more creatively.

I am ready to take on 2017. Let's do this.

Love always,
Lau

Let's Go 2017

So I did it again.

I got all ready and revamped my little corner of the internet and then I got busy and distracted and then gave up. 2016 was actually really good to me, it was no where as trying as 2015 and boy am I thankful for that, but overall it was busy.

I was busy transitioning from job to job, trying to figure out what on earth it is that I want to do as a career (spoiler alert: still haven't the faintest idea), and busy trying to keep with with my meger social life. I'm not sure why this year felt so much more difficult to manage, time wise, than 2015. Perhaps because my emotions and relationships were so much more balanced, I continued to fill my time with things, albeit, too many things, but things nonetheless.

So here we are on the outset of 2017 and I am excited.

Love Always,
Lau

Thanks to Wells Collins Design for this awesome script! 

Happy Fathers Day!

For me Father's Day has always been difficult because my dad and I have a complicated relationship. WE love each other and he is one of my biggest supports, however, we don't see eye to eye on some of the more important topics in life.

This year for Father's Day, I wanted to do something special because I feel like we've really grown closer in the last few years. I knew he had lost many of his photos from the past ten years and I wanted to be able to give him those photos back.

I reached out to his siblings and they sent me the photos that they had, I searched and searched through all of the digital and physical photos I had and I gathered all that I could. I had them converted, scanned, printed, whatever needed to be done in order to have physical 4x6 copies. I put the two hundred photos in an album and wrote a message in the cover. Now he has physical and digital copies of photos spanning his entire life.

Here are some highlights!

Love always,

Laura

Favourites No. 4

Movies!

I am a movie junkie to say the least. When the weather here is wet, snowy, cold, or dreary, I love to curl up with a blanket and a movie. As much as I love to discover new films, I certainly have my favourites!

1. Sabrina, 1954

Starring Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, and William Holden

2. An Education, 2009

Starring Carey Mulligan and Peter Sarsgaard

3. Up!, 2009

Starring Edward Anser, Christopher Plummer, and Jordan Nagai

4. Camp Takota, 2014

Starring Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart, and Mamrie Hart

5. The Sound of Music, 1965 

Starring Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer

Mid Week Inspiration

It's Wednesday and for me, it's one of the busiest days of the week. 

I know that it's days like this when I need a little reminder of the awesomeness that surrounds me. 

Let's start a little something, on Wednesdays, there will be a little pick me up that I've come across in one corner of the internet or another, to keep us chugging along during that mid week slump. 

source: oursweetinspirations.tumblr.com

Month In Photos: January

January was a busy, busy month so I wasn't taking many photos but here a few that I did snap along the way... be warned, they are mostly selfies. Oops.

Valentine's Day Playlist

This is my first real Valentine's Day and as part of the gift I made for my boyfriend, I put together a little playlist

I thought I'd share it with you as it totally made me feel all lovey-dovey inside.

• Incomplete - James Bay
• You Are My Rock - Beyonce
• Dear One - Mary Lambert
• Die A Happy Man - Thomas Rhett
• I Do Not Love You - Ron Pope
• I'm Yours - Alessia Cara
• I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly ft. Ed Sheeran
• Over and Over Again - Nathan Sykes ft. Ariana Grande
• Some Type of Love - Charlie Puth
• Remedy - Adele
• Like I'll Never Love You Again - Carrie Underwood
• You're The Reason I Come Home - Ron Pope

Hope you had a wonderful Valentine's Day with the people that matter to you most.

Love always, 

Lau

2015.

This past year has really been a roller coaster. 

I started the year still in school, finishing up my undergraduate degree in art history. I was in what to me was a relationship, and was floundering in self doubt and not really very happy. 

I want to say that it started looking up really quick, with all of those new year resolutions but it didn't. School was good but I wasn't. I was really struggling to stay afloat with work, school, friends, 'boyfriend', and my anxiety. I really thought that in 2014 I had gotten my mental health in check. I was seeing a therapist, I was feeling through my feelings, and all together doing alright. To be honest, I'm not sure where it all went off the rails, but there I was thrust into 2015 and doing an awful job of it. 

It took me a little while to get my feet under me but once I did I really started to get where I had gone wrong. I wasn't allowing myself to take up any space in the equation of my life. I put everyone and everything ahead of me and by the end of the day I had nothing left for myself. I remember very clearly breaking down on a couch in front of my therapist (who at this point was very used to me crying) and telling her that I just didn't have it in me everyday to keep my head on straight. I was sleeping a lot, had fallen back into my restricting ways, and overall sucking at my own mental health. She looked at me and said "You have to remember that in a day you have the same amount of energy to put forth as everyone does to get through all they have to in a day BUT you have extra things that need your attention. You have to get through each day managing your anxiety and your eating, both of which take up as much if not more energy then the rest of your life combined. You need to let yourself take up space in your life. It's okay to put yourself first." 

This advice, my friends, made all of the difference. It was like I needed permission to help myself (which sounds silly but it's true). I began to notice the time I was devoting to things that weren't helpful or didn't enhance my well being. 

January of 2015, was only a few months into my relationship. We had met in November and were trying to take it slow. He lived a ways away and was also in school, so seeing each other wasn't easy. I was putting so much effort in making him happy, making what I thought was an important relationship in my life work.

To be honest, trying to make my relationship work is a common thread throughout 2015 until the mid summer. Through February and March, school was at it's most intense. I managed to get through it all while working and acting as co-chair on a student run event council. Excitingly, I was chosen to present a paper I had written at an art history symposium and have it published in a journal. I was terrified but all in all, it went really well. The opportunity allowed me to really make some great connections with my professors.

I finally finished the last class and exam of my undergraduate degree in April. I was so excited to be done! Bittersweet, I ended my job as a campaign associate, which I had been doing for about a year, and really enjoyed. I was so nervous to have to try and find another job.

May was incredibly frustrating. My relationship finally came to a head and ended. It just wasn't working anymore and I was so hurt. I just wanted so badly for it to work and I couldn't which, I think made me more disappointed in myself than in anything else. I was struggling to find a job, I just applied to everything and nothing was panning out.

June was a time of change, I graduated university which felt like something I had been working towards forever. I got a job at a local golf course as a supervisor which was something new and exiting - so much of my job experience is in hospitality and events so I was interested to see how this field changed as you worked in different positions.

I learnt that the golf course life is much more trying than I remembered. Come July, golf season was in full swing and I was overwhelmed but did enjoy my job. It was a challenge and something new every shift. The 10-13 hour shifts were wearing but the people I got to work with were great. Coincidentally, this is where I met my current boyfriend for the second time. We had met when we worked together at a golf course about 4 years earlier, when I was 17 and he was 20. I had a huge crush on him but he paid me no attention. He left at the end of the summer and I didn't have any contact with him until I walked into this new job on my first day. However, when I started this job, my ex and I were trying to make things work again so I didn't pursue the spark I felt with J.

August, I turned 23. It was a lovely day and I felt so loved. But one of my best friends took a huge leap this month and moved her life across the country to pursue her dream of teaching. I knew I was gong to miss her but was still so proud of her and if how brave she is.

September 2015, was the first September I hadn't been going back to school since I was 4 and it was a huge shock. My job was still as busy as ever and my relationship finally ended for real. I'm sad that it didn't end on better terms but at the same time, I know that a person who really cared about me, wouldn't say the things that he said to me in our final conversations.

Things began better in October. I had moved on from my last relationship of 7 months and was really looking to explore the huge crush I had on my coworker. October brought with it, a new relationship that didn't move slowly but has made me happier than I have been.

November and December are some of my favourite months because I love Christmas. I just love how festive everything is. I love to decorate and I actually really enjoy buying people presents. I am a huge card person so drafting Christmas cards for people is an important time for me because I always want the cards to convey what I'm feeling because I'm not exactly the best at doing it in person.

I am really looking forward to everything 2016 has to offer. I am coming into this year with so much happiness and exciting things to look forward to. I may not have the job I want or my own place. But I know that I am finding my way and I am working towards everything I want and need. I am in a team now and my boyfriend is someone that I know I can lean on whenever I need to.

Let's go 2016!

Love always,
Lau

Month in Photos: December

It's 2016!

Here are my favourite photos from December. I absolutely love Christmas time and this year was extra special for a few reasons. Shoutout to my wonderful boyfriend who was fully involved in my marathon of Christmas celebrations and for including me in his. This was our first holiday season together and I can't wait for many, many more. I was fortunate enough to travel out west to see my entire family on my mom's side. We hunkered down at my grandfather's home and played board games, went snowboarding, ate too much savoury and sweet treats, and just enjoyed each others company.

I hope your last month of 2015 was as lovely as mine! 

Love always, 

Lau

Coziest Playlist

I'm a playlist person. 

I am always creating playlists for various occasions, from the shower to a long car ride, or getting ready for a night out to a cozy night in. 

I am totally ready for snowy, winter nights with candles lit and music playing. 

Here is my cozy, winter playlist:

• Incomplete - James Bay
• We Don't Eat - James Vincent McMorrow
• Like Real People Do - Hozier
• She Used To Be Mine - Sara Bareilles
• Playing With Fire - Thomas Rhett (ft. Jordin Sparks)
• Don't Go - Rae Morris
• Vandalizer - Sam Hunt
• Shooting Star - Air Traffic
• Till Kingdom Come - Coldplay
• Thank You - Amber Run
• Miss Your Fire - Casey James
• Hank - Ben Rector
• You Are My Rock - Beyonce
• Shelter - Birdy
• Midnight Girl - Casey Abrams
• Wrap Me Up - Leddra Chapman
• Windows - Lewis Watson
• Weathered - Jack Garratt
• Suitcase Full of Sparks - Gregory Alan Isakov

Let me know what you'll be listening to on those snowy (hopefully) winter nights, 

Love Always, 

Laura

Month in Photos: November

As it is almost the end of December, I thought I would share my favourite photos from November (oops).

I have an excessive amount of love for Christmas and anything festive or wintery. However, we still don't have any snow here so I am very disappointed to say the least. 

My friend and I went on a blustery evening hike. I celebrated a birthday for my friend from high school. And then went to the Christmas Market for the first time (and loved it of course!)