This past year has really been a roller coaster.
I started the year still in school, finishing up my undergraduate degree in art history. I was in what to me was a relationship, and was floundering in self doubt and not really very happy.
I want to say that it started looking up really quick, with all of those new year resolutions but it didn't. School was good but I wasn't. I was really struggling to stay afloat with work, school, friends, 'boyfriend', and my anxiety. I really thought that in 2014 I had gotten my mental health in check. I was seeing a therapist, I was feeling through my feelings, and all together doing alright. To be honest, I'm not sure where it all went off the rails, but there I was thrust into 2015 and doing an awful job of it.
It took me a little while to get my feet under me but once I did I really started to get where I had gone wrong. I wasn't allowing myself to take up any space in the equation of my life. I put everyone and everything ahead of me and by the end of the day I had nothing left for myself. I remember very clearly breaking down on a couch in front of my therapist (who at this point was very used to me crying) and telling her that I just didn't have it in me everyday to keep my head on straight. I was sleeping a lot, had fallen back into my restricting ways, and overall sucking at my own mental health. She looked at me and said "You have to remember that in a day you have the same amount of energy to put forth as everyone does to get through all they have to in a day BUT you have extra things that need your attention. You have to get through each day managing your anxiety and your eating, both of which take up as much if not more energy then the rest of your life combined. You need to let yourself take up space in your life. It's okay to put yourself first."
This advice, my friends, made all of the difference. It was like I needed permission to help myself (which sounds silly but it's true). I began to notice the time I was devoting to things that weren't helpful or didn't enhance my well being.
January of 2015, was only a few months into my relationship. We had met in November and were trying to take it slow. He lived a ways away and was also in school, so seeing each other wasn't easy. I was putting so much effort in making him happy, making what I thought was an important relationship in my life work.
To be honest, trying to make my relationship work is a common thread throughout 2015 until the mid summer. Through February and March, school was at it's most intense. I managed to get through it all while working and acting as co-chair on a student run event council. Excitingly, I was chosen to present a paper I had written at an art history symposium and have it published in a journal. I was terrified but all in all, it went really well. The opportunity allowed me to really make some great connections with my professors.
I finally finished the last class and exam of my undergraduate degree in April. I was so excited to be done! Bittersweet, I ended my job as a campaign associate, which I had been doing for about a year, and really enjoyed. I was so nervous to have to try and find another job.
May was incredibly frustrating. My relationship finally came to a head and ended. It just wasn't working anymore and I was so hurt. I just wanted so badly for it to work and I couldn't which, I think made me more disappointed in myself than in anything else. I was struggling to find a job, I just applied to everything and nothing was panning out.
June was a time of change, I graduated university which felt like something I had been working towards forever. I got a job at a local golf course as a supervisor which was something new and exiting - so much of my job experience is in hospitality and events so I was interested to see how this field changed as you worked in different positions.
I learnt that the golf course life is much more trying than I remembered. Come July, golf season was in full swing and I was overwhelmed but did enjoy my job. It was a challenge and something new every shift. The 10-13 hour shifts were wearing but the people I got to work with were great. Coincidentally, this is where I met my current boyfriend for the second time. We had met when we worked together at a golf course about 4 years earlier, when I was 17 and he was 20. I had a huge crush on him but he paid me no attention. He left at the end of the summer and I didn't have any contact with him until I walked into this new job on my first day. However, when I started this job, my ex and I were trying to make things work again so I didn't pursue the spark I felt with J.
August, I turned 23. It was a lovely day and I felt so loved. But one of my best friends took a huge leap this month and moved her life across the country to pursue her dream of teaching. I knew I was gong to miss her but was still so proud of her and if how brave she is.
September 2015, was the first September I hadn't been going back to school since I was 4 and it was a huge shock. My job was still as busy as ever and my relationship finally ended for real. I'm sad that it didn't end on better terms but at the same time, I know that a person who really cared about me, wouldn't say the things that he said to me in our final conversations.
Things began better in October. I had moved on from my last relationship of 7 months and was really looking to explore the huge crush I had on my coworker. October brought with it, a new relationship that didn't move slowly but has made me happier than I have been.
November and December are some of my favourite months because I love Christmas. I just love how festive everything is. I love to decorate and I actually really enjoy buying people presents. I am a huge card person so drafting Christmas cards for people is an important time for me because I always want the cards to convey what I'm feeling because I'm not exactly the best at doing it in person.
I am really looking forward to everything 2016 has to offer. I am coming into this year with so much happiness and exciting things to look forward to. I may not have the job I want or my own place. But I know that I am finding my way and I am working towards everything I want and need. I am in a team now and my boyfriend is someone that I know I can lean on whenever I need to.
Let's go 2016!
Love always,
Lau
